Wanting What I Shouldn't Want
by Sakura's Pointe Shoes
Summary: Sometimes what you want most is what you can never have. RH A little humor as well.
1. After Andrew

Title: Wanting What I Shouldn't Want

Summary: Sometimes what you want is something you cannot have, even if it's right there in front of you.

A/N: R/H, as usual. Ummm, takes place after 3.05 Spoilers definitely.

**DISCLAIMER: If I owned Harry and Ruth, _something_ would have happened by now! LOL.**

(This takes place after Ruth's "date" with Andrew where she gets tied to the banister and is rescued by Danny at the end. Probably a week later)

He really didn't know what the hell she was doing there. She was supposed to be at home resting. Not downing drinks at this dirty, god-forsaken pub alone. He eyed her carefully. She looked drunk. Well, more on the downright snockered side, but drunk nevertheless. He walked up to the bar and took a seat beside her. She had her head resting on her elbow and she was facing the other direction.

"Whiskey please." He told the bartender. The old man nodded and filled the cup and handed it to him. Harry glanced at Ruth and the bartender murmured, "Poor girl..." He then turned to Harry as if to say 'help her.' And he intended to do just that.

It was quiet, she could only hear herself as she hiccupped softly. Her sobs had died down sometime ago. Tears that had coursed down her cheeks left paths that had dried up. She nursed her half empty drink with her right hand and she gazed at her distorted reflection in the whiskey.

"You look like hell warmed over."

She looked over her shoulder at the intruder sitting behind her, although she already knew who it was. She turned around to face him as she thought of a reply. "You look good." Harry chuckled. Ruth just turned her attention back to her drink. She sipped a little and asked, "What are you doing here?" Harry cleared his throat a little. "I came here for a quick drink, but then I found you." They sat in silence for several moments before some music started playing, someone must have put money into the machine.

"Everybody's been asking me if I'm alright. If that's why you're talking to me please just go." Ruth murmured tiredly. "I don't need to ask to see what's in front of me. Ruth, we all need someone to talk to every now and then. There's no need to be ashamed." She was surprised that he was so straightforward. "Are you that person Harry?" Harry stared at her. Ruth smiled, but it turned out more like a grimace.

"The truth is, I —," Ruth hiccupped, "I feel like a complete idiot. I didn't see it coming when I feel I should have. Now I can never stop second guessing myself and it scares me. I can't get it out of my head that not everyone around me has a secret agenda... " She hiccupped again and Harry couldn't decide if the scene playing out before him was comical or heart breaking.

He set his glass on the countertop and took her shaky, cold hand in his own. Ruth put her drink down and squeezed his hand. "Thank you Harry."

TBC... A/N: Is it crap? I've been completely out of ideas lately and this one seemed a little forced to me. Should I continue?


	2. At Home With Harry

Chapter Two of "Wanting What I Shouldn't Want"

A/N: And in the first chappie, I meant to say 3.07 spoilers! So sorry!

**DISCLAIMER: I own them...I own it all...Ruth and Harry are happily married and they live in a cottage in the Scottish countryside where they have 2 little kids running around... _AND THEN I WAKE UP... Aw darn, don't own it..._ The BBC and Kudos own Ruth and Harry and their wonderful world.**

"_Thank you Harry..." _Ruth's words were quite slurred and she ended up passing out right there on the chair. Her upper body swayed forward and her head hit the bar counter with a loud clunk. He tapped her shoulder to try and wake her, but she didn't move at all. She had consumed enough whiskey to knock out everybody on the first, second and third floors of Thames House judging from all the empty glasses on the bar. "Anything for you Ruth." He uttered more to himself. Now he had a problem. What was he supposed to do with her? Ruth was clearly unfit to go home by herself, and if he left her there, she'd have a hell of a hangover to deal with in the morning and would most likely be late to work. And the guilt would eat at him if he left her anyway, so Harry decided to take her home himself.

It wasn't hard to find a cab, he had the barman call for one, the challenge was getting Ruth into the cab. He took her purse and carefully lifted her so that he could carry her like a sleeping princess. (A/N: For lack of a better description!) The cab driver helped him place her on the backseat and he told the driver where she lived. Harry sat next to her on the backseat and held her close to him. Ruth's head rested on his shoulder and he cursed himself when his heart beat quickened because of their proximity, even if she wasn't conscious.

Twenty minutes later, they arrived at the house. Harry had gone through her bag for her keys and felt slightly guilty for having to go through her things, even though finding her key was mandatory. He gave the cabby some money (his money of course) and stepped out of the cab so he could lift Ruth out of the seat with less difficulty. The cab drove away and Harry turned to walk up to the front door with Ruth in his arms.

He unlocked the door with one hand and pushed it open with his foot. It was dark inside, but he could make out the silhouettes of the furniture. Harry carefully stepped in, turning as he went through the door so Ruth's head wouldn't bang into the frame. He walked down the hall sideways and up the stairs where he assumed the bedroom would be. He opened the first door to his right. It was the bathroom. He tried the door next to it and turned on the light.

It was indeed the bedroom. Harry approached the bed. The room was very Ruth-like. Shelves on the walls were filled with books and the walls were painted a light blue, the same color as her eyes. Her bed was queen sized with a canopy and translucent curtains.

He pulled the curtains back and set Ruth gently on the bed. He removed her coat and her shoes so she would be more comfortable, then he covered her with the comforter. Harry sat on the edge of the bed, allowing himself to indulge in the pleasure of gazing at her tranquil face. He even allowed himself to gently caress her left cheek with the back of his hand. He froze suddenly when she began to stir.

TBC... A/N: and that was Part 2! Click on the purply blue button to leave a review! Part 3 will be up soon.


	3. Midnight Kisses

Chapter 3 of "Wanting What I Shouldn't Want" **DISCLAIMER: If I owned Ruth and Harry, the fib about her being pregnant with his child in S3 ep 1 would've been real...But I don't own them (BBC and Kudos do)and thus, both of them are still _annoyingly _unattached.**

Ruth's eyes were still clouded over when she woke up. She glanced at Harry who wore the oddest expression which was something like a child who got caught with his hand in the cookie jar. When her senses came back into focus however, she realized that his hand was indeed resting upon her warm cheek.

Later on in the night, Harry would lay awake pondering the consequences of what Ruth did next.

She kissed him. Maybe it was the alcohol, maybe it was just a desperate action of a woman that needed something real, something that they both knew was genuine. The kiss was a little awkward at first, but she had sat up and planted it right on his mouth with the weight of her love pressed on his lips. Harry's mind went into overdrive and he responded out of instinct. Her arms had wrapped themselves around his neck and pulled him closer to her. The kiss had led to a second and the second to a third, and a third to a fourth until they lost count. Ruth had pulled him over her on the bed with surprising force and the only thing he thought about was that they were alone together, snogging passionately on the bed.

When the initial heat had cooled, they just gazed lovingly at each other. Words were useless and silence dominated the room. "So, what now?" Her breathing was labored and her voice was shaky. Harry smiled sadly down at her. Her face was a picture of happiness and hope. "We sleep." He could've sworn that her eyes flashed with disappointment, but if it was ever there in the first place, it disappeared much faster than it surfaced. She nodded and closed her eyes, he saw that she was trying desperately to hide her desire and control her breathing. Out of respect, he looked away for a moment before he moved so that she could make room for him on the bed.

Harry rose from the bed to switch off the light. He went back to the bed and settled beneath the covers. He felt Ruth grasp his hand and pull his arm around her waist so he held her close as if to reassure her that he would not leave.

He did not sleep that night. How could he? It was so hard for him to simply hold her when he wanted to crush her lips with his own and make love to her all through the night. As Ruth slept, he thought about the consequences of ... this. He wasn't sure what to call it exactly. They had already stepped over the line with one foot, and the next step would cost them greatly. This was exactly the kind of thing that had caused Tom to lose it completely. Loving another. He sighed wearily. This was the kind of thing that he warned his officers of, and yet here he was, violating his own rules. If Harry were a stronger man, he would have ended it before it even began, he would have thrown his feelings for her into a suitcase and locked it up tight. He would ignore the physical pain in his heart when he denied her, and move on. But he wasn't as strong as he liked to believe when it came to denying Ruth.

As the night continued, only then did Harry suppose that if they were discreet, they could carry on in secret. And at that, he was finally able to fall asleep.

TBC... A/N: Oh god, I feel like such a big sap after writing this chapter. But I lurve romance, especially with R/H! Part 4 will be up in a little while.


End file.
